Life over the past two weeks has taken me on a trip.
My oldest child turned 10. 10! TEN! I planned a little surprise trip to OKC for just her and I and we had so much fun. I just kept looking at her and thinking "my goodness, she is mine. I have spent the last decade falling more and more in love and I can't believe she is growing up so fast!" Needless to say, I spent a few nights staring at her while she slept and being a super annoying (and somewhat creepy) mom who hugs and won't let go, and tells her every few minutes to stop growing up and stay my baby! Insert alot of eye rolls from Ella here. I gave birth to her so she can just get over it! But, you get the picture... I was in an emotionally fragile place. Well, just hang on cause the roller coaster didn't stop there.
This adoption paperwork, y'all... it's no joke. I have said it before and I will say it again... it's not for the faint of heart. And this is not my first rodeo! I have done all this before, so when I started this I was thinking that I would have a head start, if you will, but I was very wrong. First of all, nothing can really prepare you for all the forms, letters, charts, notarizations, apostilled documents, and so much other crap that comes with the adoption "dossier". It's endless. And second, every country is so different. Yes, I did this for Ethiopia about 5 years ago, but India's requirements, regulations, and forms are so different. Their process is different. All that to say, I was not prepared. In fact, my early confidence probably set me back a few notches because I had to let go of what I thought I knew.
But, I found a groove and was really knocking this thing out at a pretty good pace until I hit a little speed bump called the special needs chart. I knew it was coming. I knew it would be difficult, but didn't realize how emotional it would be.
You see, India is a special needs adoption program. Which means that any child that we adopt will have some sort of special need. These needs vary in severity, and honestly so many of them wouldn't even be considered "special needs" here in the states but in India they are. In fact, one of the websites we researched while looking into all the needs and studying all that would come with each given need one of the special needs that was listed was "being a boy". I was like, what?!? Apparently, being a boy who is up for adoption can be considered a special need because so many more families are open to adopting a girl rather than a boy. You learn something new everyday, I guess.
This week (which happened to be Ella's birthday week... why Lord?!?) we had our final home study meeting, which meant we needed to have our needs chart completed. It kept me up at night. We talked. We prayed. I cried. We yelled. I cried. It all felt very business and very personal at the same time. I knew that this wasn't just a needs chart. Our child was waiting on the other side of this. I don't want to dismiss anything that God might have for our family , but I'm also terrified about what all this means. Just like when you are pregnant with a child, you don't want anything to happen to that child. You want to protect and keep them from all harm. I can't do that with my future son. He will have a need. He will have already suffered. He will have already felt abandoned and unloved. There is nothing I can do about this. It's the painful side of adoption. There will be a painful reason that he has made his way into our home.
But Jesus redeems. He restores. He is our hope. And we will teach our son this.
We agonized over this list and finally filled out the final draft yesterday. The Lord stretched us in more ways than one, and we stepped out in faith on a few things that, if I'm honest, scare me. But I can say with all certainty that I know God is in it, because even though I am scared and I still have so many unanswered questions... there is a peace. It's one of those "peace that surpasses understanding " type moments in my life right now.
He is actively turning my fear into faith. It's pretty awesome.
My emotions are beginning to level out today. Which basically means, that I'm not thrown into a breakdown over spilled milk or a fishing pole in the living room (these may or may not be pulled from actual events... bless my husband, Lord, for he is a faithful servant).
I know that this part of the journey has been completed and there will be more bumps in the road, birthdays to celebrate, and tears to be shed. And may my prayer always be to find Jesus in the process. In my brokenness.
Because He redeems. He restores. He is our hope.
My oldest child turned 10. 10! TEN! I planned a little surprise trip to OKC for just her and I and we had so much fun. I just kept looking at her and thinking "my goodness, she is mine. I have spent the last decade falling more and more in love and I can't believe she is growing up so fast!" Needless to say, I spent a few nights staring at her while she slept and being a super annoying (and somewhat creepy) mom who hugs and won't let go, and tells her every few minutes to stop growing up and stay my baby! Insert alot of eye rolls from Ella here. I gave birth to her so she can just get over it! But, you get the picture... I was in an emotionally fragile place. Well, just hang on cause the roller coaster didn't stop there.
This adoption paperwork, y'all... it's no joke. I have said it before and I will say it again... it's not for the faint of heart. And this is not my first rodeo! I have done all this before, so when I started this I was thinking that I would have a head start, if you will, but I was very wrong. First of all, nothing can really prepare you for all the forms, letters, charts, notarizations, apostilled documents, and so much other crap that comes with the adoption "dossier". It's endless. And second, every country is so different. Yes, I did this for Ethiopia about 5 years ago, but India's requirements, regulations, and forms are so different. Their process is different. All that to say, I was not prepared. In fact, my early confidence probably set me back a few notches because I had to let go of what I thought I knew.
But, I found a groove and was really knocking this thing out at a pretty good pace until I hit a little speed bump called the special needs chart. I knew it was coming. I knew it would be difficult, but didn't realize how emotional it would be.
You see, India is a special needs adoption program. Which means that any child that we adopt will have some sort of special need. These needs vary in severity, and honestly so many of them wouldn't even be considered "special needs" here in the states but in India they are. In fact, one of the websites we researched while looking into all the needs and studying all that would come with each given need one of the special needs that was listed was "being a boy". I was like, what?!? Apparently, being a boy who is up for adoption can be considered a special need because so many more families are open to adopting a girl rather than a boy. You learn something new everyday, I guess.
This week (which happened to be Ella's birthday week... why Lord?!?) we had our final home study meeting, which meant we needed to have our needs chart completed. It kept me up at night. We talked. We prayed. I cried. We yelled. I cried. It all felt very business and very personal at the same time. I knew that this wasn't just a needs chart. Our child was waiting on the other side of this. I don't want to dismiss anything that God might have for our family , but I'm also terrified about what all this means. Just like when you are pregnant with a child, you don't want anything to happen to that child. You want to protect and keep them from all harm. I can't do that with my future son. He will have a need. He will have already suffered. He will have already felt abandoned and unloved. There is nothing I can do about this. It's the painful side of adoption. There will be a painful reason that he has made his way into our home.
But Jesus redeems. He restores. He is our hope. And we will teach our son this.
We agonized over this list and finally filled out the final draft yesterday. The Lord stretched us in more ways than one, and we stepped out in faith on a few things that, if I'm honest, scare me. But I can say with all certainty that I know God is in it, because even though I am scared and I still have so many unanswered questions... there is a peace. It's one of those "peace that surpasses understanding " type moments in my life right now.
He is actively turning my fear into faith. It's pretty awesome.
My emotions are beginning to level out today. Which basically means, that I'm not thrown into a breakdown over spilled milk or a fishing pole in the living room (these may or may not be pulled from actual events... bless my husband, Lord, for he is a faithful servant).
I know that this part of the journey has been completed and there will be more bumps in the road, birthdays to celebrate, and tears to be shed. And may my prayer always be to find Jesus in the process. In my brokenness.
Because He redeems. He restores. He is our hope.
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